>> Tuesday, February 3, 2015
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
I have been crying off and on all day today, it's a good thing Bug went to school before I got caught up on all my social stuffs or I would have not let him go.
One of our little ones that we fought for, a little radiant angel, left this mortal realm this morning. I vividly remember wanting to hold her, but not daring, such a little thing that seemed so fragile. All I could do was touch her and feel her life. I am not exaggerating when I say she glowed, she had this porcelain skin that women only dream of having, and these pale blue eyes, all that was her screamed: be careful with me, and I can teach you to love.
I did not get to know the family well, and for that, I am sorry, I tend to shut down a little so that I don't get hurt. It's self preservation because I really do feel too deeply. A blessing and a curse.
The blessing part is that I am not ashamed to cry. I feel their loss, I imagine letting go and it hurts me beyond words, beyond reason, it just hurts. The thought that she is gone, something I have faced too much the last year, a fact that I have come to see every few weeks: the personal pain of losing a child. It's something I don't want to face, something I probably will face and something no one should ever feel. But loss is a part of life. Born, live, die. It happens to us all, some are older and some only begin to live but the quality of that life isn't measured by anyone except the person living it. And his/her loved ones.
She is gone. I will cry for a while longer and I have that luxury of holding my children tonight, smiling at Bug and have him smile back, tickle Aiden and have him laugh, kiss Ava and have her kiss me nonstop, watch Taylor grow up and find herself. And I will cry for my children too. These tears for Brooklyn are pure and I am not ashamed of them. Her memory deserves my emotion and I give it to her, and to her family.
Oh how my heart hurts for them!