>> Monday, September 22, 2014
I can't help but think that I am losing my boy again. His seizures today are so violent, so heartbreaking that I can't help but wonder how many he can have of those without it killing him?
I do not exaggerate: Lips blue, choking and gagging, full tonic/clonic, convulsions so hard I was sure he would break something. He has been laying down or stumbling all day. What is different? Why now? What the hell will it take for this to stop? Tell me. I will pay the price, I will make it happen. So much helplessness no parent should feel.
I can't cry, I will never stop. It just sucks.
I would say: can we start over with a new day? But to get to that new day, we have to have a night. And night has long been the enemy for him.
I want to scream, to throw things and punch things and make something broken, I want to wake out of this nightmare and have my boy back.
You see, we all go through days like this. We hate, we flail and then we gather ourselves up and go about it again, working to make it better. It may get better, it may not, but we have to try, you know?
We just have to try.