>> Friday, April 4, 2014
Tonight, Bug had one of those.
It wasn't particularly ugly, it was 2 minutes, he was fully Tonic/Clonic and it took him a while to recover. This has happened THOUSANDS of times.
But tonight, it took all my strength not to scream and cry. I sat, holding him, our eyes locked, remembering.
Remembering Bug, minutes old, crying and so small. First time Mom, oldest child, so special in so many ways, and I thought: Did I do this to him? Did something I did, or didn't do, contribute to these horrible moments. It's fleeting, we all do it, and we all know to dismiss it. It is what it is and it sucks. But no amount of blame or excuses makes it anything other than what it is: The enemy.
I remembered watching him with wonder. Dreaming about his future, his life, his energy, everything about him was so amazing. He walked early-ish, his development was advanced, he glowed with beauty.
He still glows, and he still smiles, and then he spends HOURS twitching and trying to get back into the reality of his life. He fights and he ALWAYS wins. But those moments when he is without himself, those moments when he is caught in that seizure, those are so difficult to accept. His normal, his seizing, does not slow him down much, he gets up and keeps going...I ponder and I plan and I yell at the universe for taking him from me. Sitting in front of me, for those few moments when he is gone, they should NEVER be. He should NEVER feel them. And yet, he does. And we do.
Tonight, that not-so-unusual seizure...pissed me off. Made me cry. Made me hate. And made me resolute. But mostly, it made me very aware that I am his Mom and I am his comfort and I am his biggest advocate.
It's been 30 minutes and I am still waiting for his smile.