>> Monday, April 12, 2010
I took Bug to school this morning after a week of having him home with me. I noticed the flag was flying half mast. I wondered why and thought I would look when I got home.
Bug wasn't so sure how he felt about going back to school. I had to tug a little but once he got to the classroom door he was happy to go in. I left him quickly, trying not to disturb the reading that was going on and on our way out, I saw a poster on the glass near the office. Kim, the principle, was there along with another woman. I was reading about Rett Syndrome and didn't notice the pictures next to it.
I was reading about how Rett is almost ALWAYS seen in girls, and that it is the ONLY KNOWN cause of Autism in females. It didn't occur to me that it was posted for any other reason except we are in a Special Needs School and it's just one of the things that is always around. But, there WAS a different reason.
Kim saw me and turned, I said: "Sorry to look over your shoulder, don't mind me".
She said: "Oh, that's OK. Yep, we lost one of our students this weekend".
That was my heart hitting the floor.
Followed by my stomach.
We exchanged a few self serving: She is in a better place. Etc. All the while, I was holding back my need to weep.
Right before I left, and get ready for this because it will make any woman I know cry, Kim said:
"Yep, her name means caterpillar in French. And now she is a butterfly."
I expressed my condolences, I think, and took Tay to the car. Got in the car, turned the ignition and cried all the way home.
I know it happens and there is little we can do about it. Children are born, sometimes, fated to die young. It sucks. It is how it is. I imagine that as much as we can prepare for it, the pain itself, is unimaginable. I KNOW that Bug has a slightly higher chance than other kids to just suddenly have a seizure and die. I know this, and I accept it as much as I can, but I also fight it. I make sure he has his medication but still...nothing can stop it really.
This little butterfly, I ache for her parents, for her mother especially. I can't think about what happened, I can't do it. It just hurts too much to think about. I have seen, what I thought was death, in Bug's eyes too many times and the thought that one day...well I can't think about it can I? I can not paralyze myself like that. I am so sorry she is gone from their lives. Nothing more to say really.