>> Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's almost 11:30. Bug had to be run back to bed 4 times before he stayed. He is asleep next to me on the bed we have for him. I can hear him breathing. I will not go to sleep immediately. I will stay awake, even though I am very tired, for another half hour. I will stay awake and listen, saying a silent prayer, hoping my typing is soft enough to not stir him. I will look at him every so often, sleeping peacefully, with that gaze that every new Mother has. That gaze that speaks: he is a miracle, he is MY miracle, MY heart, MY love, and my responsibility. And during this time, before I drift off, I will question if I do enough for him. Do I make him happy? Do I give him the best of me to bring out the best in him? I will not question why his journey is so different than other's, I will not cry over the child I lost, I will plan for the future. I plan, like every new Mother does, I plan for the man he will become. Sure, I may have to rattle a few more cages, and dedicate more of myself than most Mother's have to, but he is mine and I love him.
I am a new Mother, I am seeing things in my boy that I have not seen in years. I whisper his name and he turns to me and grins. I can surprise him again and make him jump. He gets pissed by this though, so we try not to do it too often. He looks at me and sees me again. I am a new Mother.
And he sleeps. I find myself anxious, and holding my breath off and on. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for a little scream. I haven't heard it in almost 14 days...I want this to be a new 2 year record, I want this to be the start of many peaceful, normal nights. But I think, I want too much.
And he stirs. Time for bed.